If you’re reading this and recently divorced or separated, I want to encourage you to stay hopeful and positive. Yes, you can find love after divorce. It’s been four years since my former husband and I parted ways. I have experienced a little bit of everything during that time. I have not had any really terrible experiences, even if you count the pathological liar I had a (thankfully) short experience with. (More on that later, and why it wasn’t as bad as it may appear.)
Before I go into finding love after divorce, let’s explore where I am. I was married for 16 years before we separated. I have and had countless single, divorced, never married or remarried friends both male and female over the years. I have always loved hearing and problem-solving dating issues even when I was married. Today, as a non-married and divorced mom, my perspective and advice is mostly the same. In fact, since my divorce, I started a dating after divorce in your 40s podcast where I interview relationship experts and men and women who are newly dating after divorce. Take a listen if you’re interested in navigating the world of dating after divorce in your 40s.
My experience since my separation and divorce has been mostly positive over the years. With every experience, I learned something about me and about life. I think my “lucky streak” is due in part to me having a positive outlook on dating and my approach to dating. See, I date with a purpose and quickly eliminate men that I feel could never be a good life partner for me. Since I intend to get remarried, I don’t want to waste my time or anyone else’s time. This doesn’t mean I’m in any rush to get remarried, that is not it at all. I plan to take all the time I need. I am, however, conscious of who I spend my time with and whether I think there is a future with us.
I look for red flags and take notes. For example, if you have no idea how to plan for retirement at “our” age, then you are not a good life partner for me. Or, if you rather buy more Gucci shoes when you have a pile of debt mounting in the background, NO THANKS. Red flags and signs of trouble down the road. Not interested, no matter how nice you are. I just don’t want to deal or address those problems later on down the road.
Some of the stories I have heard from my single friends who have either been single for a long time or never married have not been so lucky. If I had to think through why some people just don’t have much luck or success when it comes to finding love, I notice there are some general common factors. For example, some people are too afraid to get hurt again so they start a relationship in protection mode and stay there. Never really willing to be fully vulnerable or open to trusting themselves or the other person in a new relationship. Also, I tend to notice that baggage from past experiences affects perspective and experiences in future relationships. I know this because I personally have to check myself when I carry my past experiences into future relationships. I have to remind myself not to let my previous relationships or experience set the tone for new relationships.
If you are really looking for love, not just a date, but a relationship and love, you’ll have a hard time finding love or keeping your relationship if you are stuck in the past.
If you’re new to the dating game after a long marriage or relationship, you found this article because you are looking for ways to improve your dating experience and want to be in love. Whether you’re reading all the self-help books or watching all the inner peace videos on YouTube, there are some general rules to help make dating easy, fun, and lead you the path of love.
Eight Simple Rules for Finding Love in Your 40s
Before you start dating again, start first by examining your intentions. What are you hoping to get out of this experience? Assess and reassess your goals and desires. If you just want company on the weekends, intimacy, a travel buddy, no strings, figure that out. And make sure the other person is aware of what you’re looking for. But if your goal is to find a relationship and love, then you really should have some rules or guidelines in place to get what you want out of it– to be in love and be loved.
- If you are interested in someone, show it. If I had ten dollars for the number of times I heard my single friends say, “I don’t want to appear too thirsty” or “I’ll wait a few days to call him/her back” and other similar expressions I’d have enough money to pay son’s out of state tuition in cash. I really don’t understand not showing interest to someone when you are dating them. It sends the wrong message if, in fact, you really are interested in this person. It also is contrary to what you’re true desire is. Not showing someone that you are interested in them sends a signal to the other person that you are not. Plain and simple. Therefore, they are less likely to pursue you or the relationship. Also, if they are seeing other people (most people have a few irons in the fire, rightfully so), they are likely going to put forth more energy on another person. Wouldn’t you? Rule #1, if you are interested, show it.
- Be honest. This is an easy one. Don’t lie, mislead, or omit important information, etc. It will come back to bite you in the ass later down the line. For example, if you have three kids and one on the way, don’t say you have three kids. You actually have, “three kids and one on the way.” (Yes, this is a real example.)
- Be open to making yourself vulnerable. Take down your walls. This doesn’t mean you don’t listen to your gut, allow people to lie to you, or ignore red flags. This simply means you put your past negative experiences aside and allow this new person to start on a clean and positive slate. See the best in them first. If he/she does something to lose your trust then take note and if necessary, take action.
- Spend time with the person. Ever “date” someone and never see them or actually talk to them on the phone? If so, newsflash, that’s not actually dating them. That’s a pen pal. Or a long-distance friend. Make plans to spend time with them if you care to actually date them and possibly be in a relationship with them. Digital only exchanges at some point need to transition to spending real, in-person time with the person. It boggles my mind I need to say this but this happens more often than needed. Also, if you’re the only person pursuing spending time with the other person, that other person is not really into you or interested in pursuing a relationship – with you at least. (That’s a whole separate article which I’ll touch on later.)
- If you’re not interested in a romantic relationship, say it. If you’re only looking for the fringe benefits the other person may offer you be honest about it. Tell the other person what you’re hoping to get out of the exchange and also ask them what they are hoping to get. If you’re just interested in sex, say it. Alternatively, if you’re not interested in just sex and the other person is, know that you will likely not change their mind or intentions. For whatever reason, that person doesn’t see you as anything more than just sex. (That may hurt, but that’s the truth.)
- If you have non-negotiables, be honest about it with yourself and the other person. Before you even start to date, understand what your non-negotiable list is. For example, do you not want kids, ever, regardless if they are your bio kids or not? Don’t date someone with kids. Vice-versa, if you want children, why date someone who has no desire to have kids. Cut your losses early and save yourself the trouble or heartache. A true non-negotiable is something you shouldn’t compromise on. For example, I have no plans on having more bio kids in this lifetime. NONE. Therefore, I will never date anyone who wants me to have their baby. My gut says “Hell NO” to this thought. This means it’s a hard non-negotiable for me. We can be friends, of course, nothing else.
- Line-up career or long-term goals. If you have a career goal or long-term goal that the other person can align with, great. This is a green light to keep pursuing the relationship. Have the, “where do you see yourself in one year, five years, ten years” conversation with the other person. No, that’s not corny. That’s honest. I was on a third or fourth date with someone when I learned he planned to move to Texas before the end of the year. That was all I needed to know that this person is now friend-zoned. Texas is not a plan for my foreseeable future. If your long-term goal doesn’t fit the other person’s goals, then accept the differences or leave the relationship. When you find out early, you can make early decisions. Simple.
- Be open and willing to try something different. Another easy one. The old saying, “trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome” is true for dating. If you only date younger men and have trouble finding someone who is emotionally mature, maybe you need to date older men? Again, this is simple. At least try something different. You may be surprised, and happier.
To sum all of these simple dating rules up, BE CLEAR with yourself and who you are dating. Remember, if you are looking for love, you will play this dating game with a different set of rules than someone who is just looking to date. Dating is easy. Finding someone to be in a relationship with and love takes work. That work starts with a plan.
Finding love in your 40s doesn’t have to be hard. It is certainly possible. Go into each new experience with the intention to make the best of it and with clear goals in place.
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