Are you ready to start dating after your divorce? Starting to date after a divorce, especially in your forties, can be a scary thing. Let’s face it, the dating pool can be scarce. Also, so much may have changed since you were dating. There’s online dating and apps now, Facebook and other social media apps with filters that can really alter someone’s natural appearance. You show up to the first date and you have wonder if you’re being catfished.
If you are ready to find love again or simply date, do not be discouraged. There are good men and women out there but it seems some singles want to make dating so complicated. People are too focused on protecting their feelings, showing too much interest in a potential mate, or they are too focused on finding the “perfect partner” that meets every single item on some long or unrealistic dating criteria list.
When my former husband and I separated, I was 39 years-old and had three children. We were married for 16 years and simply put, we should have never gotten married. We were too young when we got engaged, we had our first child too soon, and the longer we were married, the more I realized we had fundamental differences of opinion on everything from finances to how to educate our children. (Those differences still continue to be pain points as we try to co-parent our kids, by the way.)
Nevertheless, I left that marriage knowing exactly what I didn’t want in a man and hopeful that my dating experience would be positive as a result. Also, I just knew that I would find love again despite negative feedback from some people who tried to discourage me from leaving a “good man” and attempted to offer me dating advice. I was warned that “no man” would want to take me and my three children on. That at “my age,” it would be a challenge. I was even told that most men would find me to be “a liability.” HA! I rejected all of those ridiculous and unhealthy ideas.
First of all, my children have a father so I wasn’t looking for someone to take us all on like a charity case. Secondly, I work and make my own income to provide for me and my children and any man I dated would appreciate me being a working woman. Lastly, I AM A GOOD WOMAN.
PeriodT!
I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and I knew I would find a good man who also had a lot to offer. I rejected all those negative comments and realized there was one common denominator in the type of people who were offering that information to me – other singles.
Words of advice: Don’t take cooking advice from people who can’t cook. Same applies to dating advice, okay?
Starting To Date After Divorce
First. Resolve your own issues first. My first dating advice to other 40 plus women is this. Figure out your own issues first before you start to date. Divorce is not easy and there’s a reason why it happened. Heal from whatever caused the marriage to end. Go to therapy, read self-help books, if you don’t like to read, listen to self-help or dating podcasts. I loved self-help podcasts so much that I started my own dating after divorce podcast to help others who are ready to start to dating again find some answers.
Also, spend time alone to figure out what your issues are and work on them. Work on the big and small issues too. It makes me laugh now but I remember I used to get so annoyed that my former husband left papers and mail everywhere. Guess what? I have paper and mail all over my house today. I own that issue.
Now I realize that’s a minor thing but as we all know, sometimes we sweat the small stuff when bigger issues like infidelity are also a part of what’s causing the breakdown of a marriage or relationship.
Second, date with a purpose. When you’re ready to start dating, do so with an intent and a purpose. Don’t just date to date, decide what type of experience you’re looking for. Are you looking for something serious or just companionship? I learned it’s okay just to test out the waters to see if you’re ready but if you don’t see any future or too many red-flags, move on. Don’t waste your time or someone else’s time. I usually can decide after date two or three if this person is a good fit for me. If I found myself in an experience that had no chance for whatever reason, I transitioned it quickly to a friendship or just ended things in a positive way. “Thank you for the experience, next!”
Third, know what you need and expect in a relationship. This may sound cheesy but take the love language test so you know what your love language is and that of your potential partner. This will help you understand what you’re looking for and help your potential partner know what you need in order to feel love and to love.
Fourth, approach dating with a positive mindset. I actually was looking forward to the experience. Being 40 and dating is so much better than being in my 20s or 30s. I was 19 when I met by former husband and I wish I would have taken time to figure out who I was as an adult before I tried to be a wife and mom. I never really had a time period where I was just dating because I always wanted to get married young and grow old with my husband. I went from one long-term relationship to another since high school with brief moments of being single.
However, in my case, I realize we were both too young. I had expectations of him that he simply could not meet. That resulted in resentment towards him that continued to build year after year.
Fifth, don’t be afraid to try online dating. Yep, when I was ready to date again I refused to try online dating apps. “How embarrassing, desperate, and awkward,” I thought. Nonsense! This is one of those times I’m actually going to admit that since everyone is doing it, it’s worth a try and you should too. Just try it and see if you like the digital dating scene better or at all, and to get a sense of the entire dating pool.
I was briefly on a few apps and my approach was to line up a few candidates and make quick decisions. I also could tell if the guy was more into texting and dating than really getting to know me and hear my voice. If he never called and only sent messages, no thanks! If he called and we had good conversations, I moved him onto the next phase which was to meet for a drink or happy hour.
I had friends who would share stories of chatting with someone for months at a time. That was a hell no for me. I didn’t want a digital pen pal, I had those already through Facebook, and those were platonic relationships. But, if that’s what you are looking for, then keep on doing it.
Some final thoughts. There are so many resources available to you when you are ready to start dating. But keep this in mind as you start to date again. Remind yourself that you are a good asset and a good life partner to the right person. And, even at “this age,” you still have plenty of good years ahead of you for the right man or woman. Finally, trust your gut. If your inner spirit is giving you some negative vibes about someone, listen to it and make a decision. There are definitely so shady characters out there so do your best to spot them quickly and protect yourself from them.
But as I mentioned, there are plenty of good people out there too. Happy to say that I found love again and with such a good man. He makes me smile, speaks my love languages, and as I told him, I enjoy him 99.0% of the time. (What, no one is perfect.) 🙂
If you’re interested, check out my podcast. Search for the She Could, So She Did Podcast: Dating After Divorce in Your 40s. It’s available almost anywhere you listen to podcasts. I’ve had authors, relationship experts, and other men and women who found love or are looking for love again share their experience.
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